What, Why and How to Be Mivatayr

The purpose of this blog is to shalomize the Shabbat table. Please print, discuss, forward, etc.

I was planning to write about the cicadas today, but something happened yesterday to cause me to postpone that post until next week.

Last week, I tried to weave a subtle and vital message about:

(1) The importance of shalom bayit (family harmony)

(2) How to create it.

Yesterday, a highly-intelligent reader confessed that she didn't understand the message.

I take full responsibility for the lack of clarity, and I would like to correct it now.

1. The ethic

Erasing God's name is considered a big no-no. And yet, for the sake of shalom bayit, God says, "Please erase my name" if that's what it takes.

In other words, shalom bayit is hugely important.

Why that particular way of expressing it, "Please erase my name?"

After all, God could have said, "Shalom bayit is so important, please eat a cheeseburger to achieve it!" or "Shalom bayit is so important, please turn on or off a light on Shabbat to achieve it!"

Why the focus on erasing the Name?

I think the answer is this: erasing anyone's name is a dishonor. God is thereby role-modeling how to achieve shalom bayit....

2. How to create shalom bayit

Be willing to forego your own honor. This is called "being mivatayr." When you think you're right and your spouse is wrong, you could argue, or you could say, "OK, let's do it your way."

Being mivatayr works for 2 reasons:

A - It ends conflict.
B - It makes the other person feel validated.

("But, but, but," someone always objects, "How can I be mivatayr when s/he's so wrong?" The answer is, would you rather be right or happy? It's your choice.)

I can guarantee you - if you ever see a couple or family with great shalom bayit, you're looking at people who have mastered being mivatayr. 

And being mivatayr achieves something even greater than shalom bayit.

If it's what God does for the sake of shalom bayit, then when you do it for the same reason, it makes you Godly.

Question for your table: Why is it so hard?


​Shabbat Shalom

PS - for a classic short Torah guide to shalom bayit, click the image.

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