Our Biggest Problem?

The purpose of this blog is to turn the Friday night dinner table inward. Please print and share (+ like it, tweet it, forward).

 

How did you do on last week's "5 Thanksgiving Questions"?

Current events have brought up a long-forgotten memory.

In college I spent a semester in Rome, the so-called "Eternal City".

Every day we had a field trip to some part of the city or around Umbria, to look at something Classical or Baroque.

On our big trip to southern Italy, this incident occurred on a bridge in Naples.

We were waiting for the bus to fetch us when a couple of Italian guys came up to me and wanted to negotiate a price for being intimate with one or two of the women in our group.

At first I assumed they were joking and so I played along with it.

But then one of the women became suspicious and asked me what they were saying.

Only then did it dawn on me that they were actually serious.

And that it didn't really matter.

What mattered was that, the entire premise of the conversation, joking or not, was highly offensive. But it was so absurd that I played along with it...."guy talk".....

Q1 for your table: That kind of "guy talk" is bad, but how bad?

And let's flush this out with a few random comparisons.

(Q2 for your dinner-table conversation.)

We all have limited time and attention spans, so we should focus on the most urgent problems, right?

Therefore, what's worse?

Guys talking guy talk, or guys like Matt Lauer having a secret button?

Guys like Matt Lauer, or plastic choking our ecosystems?

The steady destruction of marine ecosystems, or the loss of young people to opioid overdose ?

The opioid epidemic, or the technology-depression-suicide epidemic?

It is interesting that Judaism addressed some of these issues thousands of years ago.

For instance, there is a millenial-old prohibition against a man and woman who are not family to be secluded together. Even to touch each other beyond a formal handshake.

This is not the path of "orthodox" Judaism. It is Jewish wisdom. Just like you don't have to be "religious" in order to decide not to speak lashon hara and to practice shmirat halashon, you also don't need to be religious to practice shmirat hanegiah and save your hugs and kisses for your family.

But don't we live in a culture that expects hugs and kisses at every social gathering?

We also live in a culture that honors lashon hara.

Think about it.

They said the following story of the late Dayan Erintroy - he was once visiting a factory in Germany for a kosher food inspection. The manager was a woman who extended her hand. He said, "I'm sorry, the only woman I touch is my wife."

She smiled and said, "If my husband had had that attitude, we'd still be married!"

Q3: Maybe some habits simply too engrained to make it worth the fight?


Shabbat Shalom

PS - Counting down the days to Channuka? Have you seen our recommended books and toys for kids of all ages?

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Have You Had "The Talk"?

The purpose of this blog is to get them talking about talking at the Friday night dinner table.... Please forward / like / tweet....

Happy Birthday shout-out to Avramy Seinfeld - no longer a teenager! :-(

Last week was about archaeology. This week, for balance, is about neophilism.

We've all had the birds-and-bees talk.

We've had the honesty talk.

We've had the technology responsibility talk.

We may have even had the "be courteous kind and forgiving" talk.

But have we had the gossip talk?

I had jury duty this week and the pompous judge had every prospective juror (about 100 of us) stand, state our full name, educational level, occupation and spouse's occupation. And at nearly every turn, he would make a witty comment about the responses. Especially if the victim was a young woman.

(I've never seen anything like it and had I been selected I would have informed the judge that I could never convict someone of attempted murder knowing that he knows my full name.)

The gossip talk is when we lecture teach our children how utterly evil it is to say anything negative about another person, true or untrue. In their presence or not.

Or to listen to someone else saying it.

Or to hint.

Or to read about it.

This is one of those great ethical teachings of Judaism that we should label with a Jewish label - lashon hara - and praise the kids for avoiding it.

First question for your table: Why do people love to tell, hear and read about gossip?

Second question: Is it ever ethical to say something negative about someone?

Third question: Does it really matter that much?

Shabbat Shalom

PS - Want to get your family on board with ethical speech? Try sharing a few pages of this, this or this book (or the one in the easter-egg link above) every week at the Shabbat table.

PPS - The exceptions: when you're venting, or telling someone something to protect them, or telling a parent or teacher something in order to protect yourself.

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Put Your Mouth Where Your Money Is

The goal of this blog is to up the ethical ante around your Shabbat table. Please print and share.
 
A reader of this blog, in response to my Deadliest Weapons post a few weeks ago, replied with a list of practical questions about ethical speech.

These issues are so interesting and relevant, I thought you might find them great conversation-starter for your table:

1. What to do if one is asked for an opinion about someone for the purpose of a job, as service provider, participation in a project or an activity, etc.?

2. What if one knows something negative about the person’s professional abilities or personal conduct?

3. What if one heard from someone else something negative? Say, someone asks me about a doctor or lawyer or gardener or plumber etc. and even though I don’t have personal experience with this doctor, lawyer, etc. I heard from someone else negative things (professional or personal) about this person. Should I provide the information I heard to someone asking me about that doctor, lawyer etc.?

(I don't want to spoil your fun by telling you my answers, but if you'd like them, I'll swap you for yours!)

Shabbat Shalom

PS – To find High Holiday books and activities for kids, or gifts for teachers (and other thoughtful adults), please use bestjewishkidsbooks.com. For the amazing teacher in your life, we recommend a 1-year subscription to amazingnature4teachers.com.

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The Deadliest Weapons

The goal of this blog is to encourage some healthy speech at your Shabbat table. Please print and share.


Try starting with these 2 questions at your table:

1. Do you know the difference between slander and libel?

2. How true does gossip it need to be to be OK?

A woman told her friend a rumor about someone. She later felt bad and went to the rabbi to ask for advice on what to do.

"Take a down pillow outside, cut it open and scatter the feathers in the wind."

She did so, then returned to the rabbi.

"Now go collect all the feathers."

“But that's impossible! The feathers have scattered who knows where!”

“Now you understand why lashon hara is so evil. The defamation scatters far and wide and the damage that can never be undone.”

One of the great Jewish urban legends is that speech is only "evil" if it's false.

In fact, lashon hara is "ra" (evil) even if it's true.

(There are exceptions, but the ethical rules are very narrow.)

When it's false, it's just that much worse.

“Falsehood flies, and the truth comes limping after it." - Jonathan Swift, 1710

“Falsehood will fly from Maine to Georgia, while truth is pulling her boots on." - Portland Gazette, 1820

“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.” - Mark Twain, ca. 1880

"A lie gets halfway around the world before truth has a chance to get its pants on." - Winston Churchill, ca. 1930

Question for your table: What's worse - speaking lashon hara or listening to it?


Shabbat Shalom

PS - Have you told your favorite teachers about the Amazing Nature for Teachers program?
PPS - For last week's blog on the Gaza war, click here. 

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Wikileaks - the Diaper Edition

Mazal tov to our daughter Tehila Yehudis who turned 1 this week. She celebrated the day and the season by springing a major wikileak in her diaper during the shul Channuka party (meaning, other were able to participate with her)....

It seems to me that the mixed reactions we're hearing to Wikileaks comes from the feeling that some types of speech are more ethical than others.

Ethical speech (lashon tov) is helpful, unethical speech is harmful (lashon hara).

Without a doubt, some of the recent leaks were harmful and hard for anyone to justify. Therefore, the entire enterprise is called into question.

But let's turn the spotlight onto ourselves, for our Table Talk question of the week:

Question 1 - If somebody you know has a secret that becomes publicized, is it then OK to talk about it?

Question 2 - If you knew a secret that you were sworn to keep but believed it would be helpful to publicize, would you keep a diaper on it, or would you spill the beans?

Shabbat Shalom

PS - Beans Song on Youtube

13

13 years ago this week, a child was born.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Well, maybe like it was last year.

It was early Wednesday morning, before sunrise, in an unfamiliar Jerusalem neighborhood.

He had reddish hair from day 1, then later became blond.


He had his bris on day 8.

And every Passover for 13 years, we’ve watched him become more and more like the “wise child” at the Seder.

The Dvar Torah that he wrote for tomorrow has nothing to do with this week’s Torah portion.

It is an analysis of one detail in the Talmudic ethics of returning a lost-and-found object.

You and I – most people reading this blog – we were there once upon a time, when we were 12 or 13.

We were full of great potential.

By the way, we’re still full of great potential.

Old people sometimes need young people to remember that you’re never too old to change yourself or the world.

The kids and I sometimes make Friday night Kiddush at a nearby assisted-living home.

Most of the residents have extremely limited mobility.

The oldest resident is 107, the youngest 85.

They don’t always feel like they can change the world. They don't always look like they can change the world.

So I frequently point out to them that when they choose to smile at someone even thought they don’t feel like it, or refrain from speaking lashon hara, you changed the world.

Think about it.


Shabbat Shalom

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often. - Churchill

PS - You'll appreciate this: Soldier, survivor have emotional reunion | detnews.com | The Detroit News

A Bird in the Hand

Dedicated with a big mazal tov to newlyweds Barry and Talia - may you have a long, happy, healthy, prosperous, fruitful, amazing life together!


A story and a question.

I came home during last Sunday’s heat wave to find a tittering flock of children in our back yard.

“Abba, Abba, you’ve got to save the bird, you’ve got to save the bird!!”
“It fell out of the tree! It can’t fly!”
“B’die fall m tree! M fly!”

The kids urgently escorted me from the apple tree to the other end of the yard. The fledgling robin was old enough to hop and they had unintentionally chased it almost out of the yard altogether.

“How do you know it fell from the tree?”

“We watched it!”
“We saw it!”
“Wat it! Sah it!”

Evidently, one of the kids had shaken the tree and caused the little birdie to fall. It didn’t look injured, but it did look distressed. So I did the daddy thing, I got my gardening gloves, certain they smelled sufficiently like dirt and worms so as not to impart my own smell on the thing, and to much excitement of my audience, picked up the little guy and put him back in his nest, low in the apple tree.

There was just one problem.

He refused to stay in his nest.

“Are you sure he fell out of the tree? It looks like maybe he jumped!”

“We watched it! Someone shook the tree and it fell out!”
“We watched it fall out!”
“Fall ow!”

But after three or four attempts, it was clear that nothing short of tying it down was going to get this bird to stay in his nest.

The kids pointed to a pair of robins on a nearby phone line. They were sure that these were the worried parents.

“I think we’re going to have to let the parents take care of the birdie. You guys can watch it, but don’t get close to it, stay far away, OK?

The next day as the heat wave intensified, they went looking for the bird and found it still hopping around, looking very thirsty.

The day after that, they couldn’t find it anymore.

Only later did I find this caution from the Bird Rescue Center of Santa Rosa:

“A chirping baby robin on the ground is most likely telling its parents that it is hungry and it is letting them know where they can find it. Parents coach their fledglings to find suitable cover and feed them even after they are able to fly. Like all parents, adult birds can't be everywhere at once, so if you watch a grounded fledgling for a half an hour you should see one of its parents bringing it several snacks. Keep all pets, children and curious adults away from the area and let the parents carry on with the process of rearing their young.”

Here’s the question for your table: What do you think I think is the best part of this story?

I’ll tell you below. First, here are a few birdie video clips:





OK, here’s my answer....I thought the best part was how the kids told me “someone” shook the tree but didn’t say who. They didn’t want to speak lashon hara.

Shabbat Shalom


PS – last week some people noticed that something was wrong with the numbers. The web version of this Table Talk came out OK, but on the email the exponents disappeared, so that 10¹⁸ became 1018! The correct number, written out, should have been 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 for the Talmudic estimate of the number of stars.


Travel/speaking schedule:
June 17 – Chicago - “A New Twist on the Old Game of Love” (downtown business lunch)
June 17 – Deerfield - “The Art of Amazement Part 3”
June 18 - Los Angeles – “How Frustrations are the Key to Successful Dating” (for singles)
June 23 – San Francisco – private meetings
June 24 – Los Angeles - “Jewish Secrets to a Spicy Marriage” (for married men)
June 25 – Los Angeles - “How to help our children get married without interfering (too much)” (for parents)

For details, send an email.