The Bearable Bareness of Being

The purpose of this blog is to enable some soul-baring at the Shabbat table. Please print and share.

A deep thank you to all those who helped make our "Giving Tuesday" appeal (here) a great success. PS - It's never too late to join the party.

In memory of Marshall Bach, Moshe Topas and others who have recently left us.

And in case you got distracted, here is a reminder of the days, hours and minutes until Channuka.

This morning I paid a shiva call to a family who lost their son a few days ago to an overdose.

With that brief intro, here's the first question for your table:

What mental image do you have of their son at this point?

Frankly, I didn't know their son at all, never even met his mother, only know his father casually. So everything I'm about to tell you I learned just this morning.

First, their son was brilliant. He loved biology, was very good at it, and completed a pre-med degree in under four years.

As an undergraduate, he worked with a professor on biomedical research and co-authored a paper.

He was accepted to the Technion Medical School.

Perhaps due to his brilliance, his chemical addictions did not follow a smoothe, predictable trajectory.

They involved alcoholism rooted in his teenage years, drugs readily available during his gap-year in Israel, pain medication supplied liberally after a motorcycle accident, several stays at rehab centers.

And through it all, an extremely loving and caring family.

At the shiva, his father told about the graduation ceremony from rehab.

Each participant stood and said, "My name is So-and-so, and I'm an addict."

His son stood and said, "My name is Moshe, and I'm an addict, and I'm a Jew."

His father also quoted a Talmudic passage about the famous rabbis healing each other:

R. Hiyya b. Abba fell ill and R. Yohanan went in to visit him. He said to him: Are your sufferings welcome to you? He replied: Neither they nor their reward.  He said to him: Give me your hand. He gave him his hand and he raised him.

R. Yohanan once fell ill and R. Hanina went in to visit him. He said to him: Are your sufferings welcome to you? He replied: Neither they nor their reward. He said to him: Give me your hand. He gave him his hand and he raised him. Why could not R. Yohanan raise himself? The prisoner cannot free himself from jail.

I see at leats two profound lessons there.

Let's break it down.

First of all, why does the visiting rabbi ask, "Do you want this illness?"

What kind of question is that? Why would anyone want an illness?

You'll probably get some very interesting answers from your table.

In my opinion, think the answer is clear in the patient's reply. The reason a person may want (or at least accept) an illness is due to the concept of tikkun - that ever adversity that we experience is for our own good, to help us in some way.

His question in effect is, "Is the sickness bearable in light of the putative benefits, or is it unbearable?"

It reminds me of another person who died recently, a lifetime San Francisco resident, of lung cancer. Like all lung cancer patients, his last days were of unbearable suffering.

"I want neither the illness nor its benefits!"

A second take-away, it seems to me, is the role of the patient. In many cases - especially addiction - he has to want to recover. And he has to want to every day.

Hopefully we can encourage him and help him find motivations, but the will has to be real.

A third piece of wisdom, it seems to me, comes from the fact that the healing comes by asking him to grasp his hand, and by the analogy to a prisoner.

It seems to me that too many of us want to go it alone - whether it be in recovery, weight-loss, investing, or even home repairs. DIY is praiseworthy but there is no shame - in fact there is tremendous praise - to someone who ignores his or her ego and asks others for help.

If someone helps you climb the mountain, it doesn't make you any less heroic and in fact a shared summit is sweetest.


Shabbat Shalom

and

Happy Channukah (however you spell it)

PS - If you're still scrambling for Channuka, you may want to click here.

Help is On the Way

The purpose of this blog is to help you transform your Friday night table from a meal to a profound encounter. Please print & share.


This week: A Question, a Problem, a Solution for your table

1. The Question: Were you profoundly happy or profoundly disappointed Tuesday night?

Most people I spoke with were one or the other. I have found very few people who (like me) are unconvinced that the differences between the two candidates were more significant than their similarities.

2. The Problem: Since the country - and much of the world - is so divided and believes so much that they are right and the other side is wrong, is that OK? Does unity matter?

3. The Solution: There is one way to create unity, whether between two people or between two groups of people. That is to have a common purpose, a common goal.

Sometimes that common goal is to defeat a common enemy.

This would be a bottom-line level of unity.

Other times, the common goal is something positive, like educating our children.

Right now we have a common enemy, and I would like to use this soapbox to encourage you to join with me in unity to fight it.

Imagine a newlywed couple who are renting a basement apartment.

In the apartment they have all of their wedding gifts.

Furniture.

Linens.

Photo albums.

Childhood mementos.

Many precious books.

All of their clothing.

The basement was flooded by Sandy and they lost...

everything.

Their cars were completely destroyed.

They still have to go to work.

They still have to eat.

They are lucky that they are renters.

Homeowners have the added pain of losing the entire house AND needing to make mortgage payments. AND paying for the demolition of the condemned house. (Can they even think of rebuilding?)

We're not talking about a few hundred people here. There are thousands.

From The Jewish Week: “We have families who have lost all their cars, totaled from storm damage,” Dolgin said. “We have families whose basements are completely flooded, homes that will surely be condemned. One grandfather died in his sleep during the storm, another grandfather had a stroke as the house was flooding. Worst of all, there are many families we have not yet heard from.”

If you are the director of a school with hundreds of children and overnight the school building is destroyed, what do you do?

The needs in New York are enormous and profound.

Just like you shouldn't believe all the bad news you read, you also shouldn't believe all the good news.

From this eyewitness account in Tuesday's Forward: "The newscasters and papers are reporting that we’re turning a page. They’re reporting that the lights are coming on, the subways are running, people are back to work. That is not the case in Far Rockaway.....For three straight days I’ve been in Far Rockaway, I’ve not seen a Red Cross volunteer, I’ve not seen FEMA, I’ve not seen the National Guard."

Yet together, we have enormous resources.

Let's work together to help these people. Now. Today. Please.

If you live close enough to New York to assist with physical cleanup, please go this Sunday.

Bring extra gasoline for generators.

Achiezer provides direct service to many families who lost everything they owned. These families must start from scratch; literally.
Many Jewish groups have relief funds, including the JFN.
The Mazal School was destroyed and hoping to survive as a school.

If you know any victims, you might help them navigate their own recovery with these articles from Consumer Reports:

a. Car damaged or destroyed by flood
b. Preparing to deal with home insurance company
c. Other useful articles

If I have failed to move you, read this journal of a survivor.

Chesed - the giving of oneself to help another - is the foundation of everything Jewish. Everything.


Shabbat Shalom

This Just In Talk

Dedicated to the speedy and complete recovery of Rabbi Tzvi Shur, who has a scheduled heart surgery this coming Tuesday - he had had a routine test for a minor treatment two weeks ago and the doctors discovered a major problem in his heart. We are grateful for the gift of modern medicine. (Tzvi Gershon ben Shaindel Shaina Raizel)


Question for your table: What’s the most significant news of the summer?

Summer’s almost over, time for a roundup.

First, do you remember the family who had the terrible accident last October? I wrote about it here:

http://tinyurl.com/ynuz62 ....

Most of the children have recovered 99%. The youngest victim, seven-year-old Rafoel Dovid ben Brocha, has been making the slowest progress. He had severe brain trauma, but slowly, slowly is getting better. Here is a summary of what his father wrote three weeks ago:

Dovid was discharged from the hospital on February 16 and on the 19th he began his day care therapies at Ranken Jordon Children’s Rehab Hospital. After a month ,he returned to school for an hour in the morning to daven with his class and then proceeded to his therapies. Since school has ended, he has been attending a day camp along with a personal shadow/tutor and is going for out patient therapies 3 times a week.
It’s hard to describe his mental status. He is not what or who he was and his brain is still in need of much healing. His abilities are compromised due to the severity of the brain trauma and injury. Nevertheless, he has made and continues to make tremendous strides. His long term memory is better than his short term memory. His short term memory which was of the greatest concern seems to be getting stronger. He is remembering things that happened yesterday or in the recent past more than the doctors would believe possible. It’s not always on target or lucid, but we see continued improvements and are grateful for this and daven that he’ll come back all the way.
Every doctor and therapist who sees him, especially those who don’t see him regularly, has been wowed by his remarkable progress, albeit he has a very long way to go. Dovid’s left side of his body has made significant improvements. He still doesn’t move his left hand or fingers voluntarily, but we are hopeful and optimistic that it’s a matter of time when this function will return. His vision is basically good. He sees near and far and recognizes everything.
Dovid’s swallowing has been like a roller coaster. During Pesach his eating was great. After Pesach he had some setbacks, and it was a painstaking 20-40 minutes between each bite.
Dovid has been walking slowly with someone holding on to him. It’s a slow process like teaching a child how to walk. Yesterday and today I’ve been encouraging him to stand by himself. This morning we got up to 15 seconds, he then takes one step before falling over. He traditionally says after someone catches him, “nice catch”.
Since May I have been taking Dovid swimming as much as possible.
Dovid is in great spirits. He often asks me, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” I ask him, “Dovid, what are you thinking?” He responds, “About me getting much better”.
This Wednesday, my wife and I are taking Dovid to New York where he was accepted into Camp Simcha. On August 14th we are taking Dovid to the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor where he will be evaluated and enrolled in an intensive rehab program for approximately 5 hours each day for a minimum of 2 weeks.

If that heart-wrenching saga of faith and hishtadlus isn’t enough to wow you, try this awesome animated video from Harvard, based on current knowledge of cellular biology:



Second Question for your Table: What’s more awesome, the human being or the universe?


On the BBC this morning, after rattling off the usual humdrum news, the announcer concluded with this:

“...and Scientists in the United States have found a giant hole in the universe, far bigger than any that has previously been found.”

That’s all she said – no elaboration. Try reading that with a British accent and see how odd it sounds.

What does it mean? Who knows?


Shabbat Shalom.


Einstein quote of the week:
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious."
-Albert Einstein

Israel fact of the week:
ISRAEL LEADS THE GLOBE IN R&D INVESTMENTS, 4.4% of GDP (77% by the business sector), ahead of Sweden - 3.7%, Finland - 3.5%, Japan - 3.3%, US - 2.2% and Canada - 1.7% (The Marker, Aug. 2, 2007).

Announcements:
New Amazement website about to launch – sneak preview: http://jewishspirituality.net – please send your feedback!


Speaking schedule:
Monday, August 27 – Baltimore: “In the Beginning”
Tuesday, August 28 – Baltimore: “Let There be Light”
September 12-14 - Rosh Hashana - Baltimore (“The Un-Shul” for people who want to connect but don’t connect to shul)
September 21-22 – Yom Kippur - Los Angeles (“The Happiest Yom Kippur of Your Life”)

(For details, send an email)


Yiddish of the week:
hishtadlus — effort, due diligence; as in, “Do your hishtadlus and let Hashem worry about it.”

Yiddish review - how many do you know?
anee — poor person
koptsen — panhandler
ballaboss — homeowner; layman
nu — various meanings (see archives)
mishpocha — family
mameh — mother
tateh — father
mazal – (MAH-z’l) luck or fortune, as in, “It was good mazal that....”
beshert – (b’shairt) - meant to be, as in “It was beshert that...”
mine eltern – my parents
mine lair-er – my teacher
hamantashen – Haman-pockets
zeigezunt – all the best (said upon parting)
kesher - connection
Ikh volt veln a kave, zayt azoy gut. - I'd like a coffee, please.
...kave mit shmant. – ...a coffee with cream.
...kave mit milkh. – ...a coffee with milk.
...kave mit tsuker. - ...a coffee with sugar.
Di Fir Kashes - The Four Questions
Oy vey! - Good grief!
mensch — a decent person
rachmanos — mercy
neshoma (neh-SHOH-ma) — soul
minig — custom, as in, "Why do you do that?" "It's my minig!"
Gavaltig — wonderful
Oy gavalt — how wonderful (sarcastic)
Azoy gait es! — That’s how it goes!
Shabbos — Cessation; stopping; day of stopping; weekly sabbatical experience
"Gut Shabbos" — "Enjoy your weekly sabbatical experience"
Neshoma — Soul
meshugass — insanity
meshuganeh — insane
kyna hara — no evil eye
shvitz — sweat
shanda — shame
Lechayim! — Cheers!
Pinteleh Yid — the Jewish feeling in the heart of every Jew
Zreezus — zeal
Mkohm — place (pl. mkohmas)
mamalashen — mother tongue
bentch — make a bracha
bashert – meant to be, pre-destined, as in, “He’s my bashert” or “It was bashert that...”
kvetch — complain
kvell — burst with pride