The Shortest Distance

The purpose of this blog is to take the scenic route at the Shabbat table... Please share...

Mazal tov to Moshe Yitzchak and Goldy (Seinfeld) Steiner on their wedding this week. 

For the above-mentioned nuptials, my sister flew in and out of Washington Dulles Airport, which is southwest of Baltimore.

The shortest drive takes you down I-95 then around the Washington Beltway to Virginia, then due west.

After dropping them off, we asked Waze to get us home and it took us 20 miles further west, then north through rolling hills of gorgeous wintertime Virginia and Maryland farmland, before circling us back eastward towards Baltimore.
Waze didn't tell us how how much time we saved (it should!), avoiding commuter traffic. It could have been thirty minutes faster, maybe it was only five minutes faster. Maybe it was even slower. 

I don't really care because it was a most pleasant drive!

Moral of the story: the shortest distance between two points is not always the most enjoyable distance.

 Moral of the story: the shortest distance between two points is not always a straight line.

About 21 years ago, in Misgav Ladach Hospital, Jerusalem, 2 babies were born a mere 36 days apart.

Both families eventually left Israel, moving several times around North America before landing in Baltimore, a mere mile apart.

Both children grew up happy, energetic, kind... and feeling a pull to return to Israel.

Moral of the story: the shortest distance is not always a straight line.

When wishing someone success in getting married or having a baby, there is a custom to say, "B'shah tovah" - meaning, "May it happen at the right time."

Question for your table - do you believe in fate, luck, neither, or both?


Shabbat Shalom

PS - Yes, the pic above is clickable...

I'm guessing that the readers of this email collectively spend at least $100,000 a year on Amazon. With one easy trick, Amazon will turn that shopping into a $500 donation to JSLI, helping keep our computers humming and programs running. Simply use Amazon Smile, and designate Jewish Spiritual Literacy as your charity — for the same cost to you.

Enjoyed this Table Talk? Vote with your fingers!  Like it, tweet it, forward it....

Are Two Heads Really Better?

The purpose of this blog is to bring some tête-à-tête to the dinner table. Please forward / like / tweet ....

In honor of 3 anniversaries: Marc & Lily, Joel and Lisa....and ours.
And happy birthday to Elliott in SF.

Today's lead question for your table: When are two heads better than one and when are they not?

This two-headed porpoise was caught recently in the North Sea.

(And if you think that's weird, you should see some of truly ghastly mosters living down there.)

Can we agree that this is this is a case of two heads not being better than one?

So when are two heads better than one?

How about solving a problem.

For example, here is a Daniel Kahneman problem that very, very few people can solve on their own. You can try it, but chances are you'll need to talk it out with someone:

Reuven is looking at Sarah, but Sarah is looking at Shimon. Reuven is married, but Shimon is not. Is a married person looking at an unmarried person?

• A) Yes
• B) No
• C) Cannot be determined

+ + + + + + +

On their own, over 70 percent answer C.

On their own, they cannot fathom why A is the correct answer.

Try working together to see if you can understand why the correct answer is A.

Are two heads better?

Moving beyond problem-solving, pop-philosopher Alain de Botton is a big fan of that classic 2-headed arrangement known as marriage.

He argues that marriages are often on the rocks not because we married the wrong person but because we never learned how to love. In his brilliant lecture, he urges married people to do two things:

1. Change the way you respond to imperfection
2. Rather than look at compromise as a necessary evil, embrace the "nobility of compromise"

Speaking of compromise, and speaking of two heads, one of the most noble compromises a couple can make is to eat similar foods, especially when it comes to the pungents.
In other words, if your partner eats garlic, so should you.

The purpose of your marriage is to travel the road together.

If she goes the garlic route, so should you. The evenings will pass so much more happily.

And you will finally understand the deeper meaning of "two heads are better than one."

Question for your table: Is there some wisdom here? Or has the rabbi finally gone mad?


Shabbat Shalom

PS - A book of 2-headed Jewish business wisdom
PPS What you get when talking heads sing

Enjoyed this Table Talk? Vote with your fingers! Like it, tweet it, forward it or .... 

Flies Like an Arrow?

The goal of this blog is to make the Friday night dinner seem to slow down / speed up (circle one).... Please share.
Mazal tov to Marc & Zeke on their father-son bar mitzvah this week.

Or like a banana?

For your table talk tonight, a story followed by a simple question.

The story:

On Wednesday, I showed our six-year-old a video of the amazing Emily Bear.

My daughter's reaction: "I want to be able to play like that!"

And for the next two days (and counting?) she has been super motivated to practice.

The potential glitch occurred on the second day when she found a new phrase difficult to master. In a brief moment of frustration, she said, "I just want to be able to play like Emily!"

She doesn't think Emily ever had to practice? What's with the haste?

So here's the simple question for your table talk:

Have you ever been anticipating something - a trip, or a party, or some great event, or an Amazon package arriving, or mastering a song on the piano, and it seemed to take forever?

Happens all the time, right?

The question is: is the opposite possible? Is it possible to anticipate a great event that is in the distant future - let's say seven years - and yet the time seems to pass very quickly?

For example:

He had to wait seven years to marry her, but it only seemed like a few days because he loved her so much.

Is this plausible? He loved her so much, so the time seemed to speed up? Shouldn't it have seemed to take forever?

Could it ever happen? How is it possible to anticipate something great - marrying your soul mate - and seven years could seem like a few days?

To answer this question, consider:

1. When does time seem to slow down?
2. When does time seem to speed up?

It seems to me that time seems to slow down when we're anticipating achieving or getting something, whereas time seems to speed up when we are preparing for some kind of test or trial.

If it seems strange that his love for her could make seven years pass quickly, that comes from an attitude of marriage = achieving or getting.

But if love and marriage (and kids?) is a great test and you're shooting for an A+, then the seven years might pass quickly indeed.


Shabbat Shalom


PS - I'm sure you already know how many days to Channuka.... but have you seen what's new in Goldy's list?
PPS - Yes, once again this week's post has an easter egg - can you find it?

When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future.
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_forgiveness.html

When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future.
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_forgivene

dfdfd

Like this post? How about putting your gelt where your gab is: Like it, tweet it, or just forward it.

A guest blog this week, from Rabbi Steve Baars....I'm on his weekly "BLISS" email list and found this week's message funny and profound. Hope you will enjoy it too.

Married to a Dog

Woman on the phone to her husband:

“Honey, you remembered my birthday. You are the best. What a great present. A new puppy! He’s so cute. I think I’m going to call him ‘RJ’ after you. It’s the best birthday present you ever got me.”

Husband:  “You know I love you. I’m just happy you’re happy. Now, just remember, you know how they like to chew on shoes and things. And of course, we have to get him house trained and all that stuff.”

Wife:  “Don’t worry, I’ve got it all down. I was going to give him some old slippers, but he already got my new ones. It’s OK though. I’m sure we’ll be having a few of those ‘accidents’ before he gets it right."

Later that day, however …

Wife:  “Honey, something I forgot to mention earlier. I know you can’t have everything, but it’s just a little annoying. You left your socks on the bedroom floor, again. How come you can’t clean up after yourself?”

Husband:  “Just call me ‘RJ’ ---- after the dog.”

Hopefully your spouse is a lot smarter and more responsible than a dog.  And I am not suggesting the wife should put up with RJ (the husband) leaving his socks lying around.  After all, she’s not the maid.

So, telling your spouse what you need and want is important.  But being effective is more important.

With that in mind, don't you think RJ (the husband) would rather be the dog?  Chewing up the new slippers got a far better reaction than leaving the socks on the floor.

It’s clear that the husband’s mistake is not the crime here.

The problem is the expectation.  What the dog did is far worse, but the expectations of the dog are far less.

So, what should you expect from your husband?

The surprising answer is, the same as from the dog.

You want the dog to not chew the slippers, but you expect it’s not going to be that easy.

Same with your husband.

Or, put another way, what is the expectation this wife is living with?

PERFECTION!

If you expect perfection then you will always, always be disappointed.

Your spouse is not perfect, but if you play your cards right, he will be.

Let’s look at the conversation again.

Notice she said “again,” meaning he’s done this before.  And notice the, “I know you can’t have everything” comment, not to mention the, “it’s just a little annoying” remark.

Don’t get me wrong, I am sure this conversation happens both ways.  He’s probably got his things that he calls his wife on too.

But, she’s annoyed that he did it “again.” Well, how about her “again.”  She says the same thing to him again and again, yet her comments don’t work.  Why doesn’t she try a different path instead of repeating herself.  How can you blame your spouse for repeating the same mistake when you do it, too?  You don’t train dogs that way.  If you see you aren’t getting anywhere you need to come up with a better strategy.

Let’s keep going in the conversation:  She says, “I know you can’t have everything.”  Well, he just told her what makes him happy is for her to be happy.  He bought her what she wanted and she ruined the whole experience.  She told him she was happy until she saw the socks.  The net result, after all is said and done, is an unhappy wife.  So from his point of view, the whole thing was a waste of time.

Again, I am not saying he is off the hook – "idiot, don’t leave your socks around!" – but what motivation does he have to do anything right when any small mistake obliterates all the good.  The husband’s takeaway from the whole experience was “Why should I even try if everything always has to be perfect?”

Listen, I have been married long enough to know that the wife in our story doesn’t really mean this.  But don’t count on the husband to get that point.

Back to her phone call: “It’s a little annoying.”  I am sure it is.  And he should pick up his socks.  But, if you want to start complaining to your spouse about everything that is little annoying, then you need to keep in mind that there is no end to that list - on both sides!  When "a little annoying" becomes the standard for complaining, you should appreciate you are giving your spouse permission to do the same.  Is that what you really want?

Do you really want your spouse to complain to you about every little thing you do wrong?

And let’s not forget the final twist: “How come you can’t clean up after yourself?”  She should remember to wash the knife after pulling it out of his back.  How does she want him to answer this?

Take your pick:

• “My mother raised us in a kennel?”
• “I have sub-par IQ?”
• “I am the evil twin of Osama bin Laden?”

If you want your spouse to think through his/her actions, think through your words.  If your words didn’t work last time, then think them through before you use them again.

ANY FOOL CAN TEAR DOWN A BUILDING, BUT FEW CAN BUILD ONE

OK, so what should she have done that would be helpful.  And in truth, this is neither easy nor intuitive for most people.  But it’s important to keep in mind when faced with something annoying. It’s so much easier to be negative and destructive, to criticize and complain.

So, let’s play the second part of the conversation again, but with a little more forethought:

Later that day…

Wife:  “Honey, something I forgot to mention earlier.  I know how busy you are and how much you have on your mind.  And things between us are so good lately, so I hope you don’t mind. ... I need your help.”

Husband:  “Sure, honey, anything for you.”

Wife:  “Listen if this isn’t a good time, then just tell me.  You know how sometimes little things get to me.”

Husband:  “Sure, honey, go ahead.”

Wife:  “It’s no big deal, really, and it’s more my issue than yours, but do you think there is a way we can organize the bedroom so your socks don’t end up on the floor?”Husband:  “Oh, I did that again? I can’t believe it. I’m sorry, honey. I know that bothers you and I’ve been trying to remember. But I was in such a rush this morning. You know, I think if we put a hamper in the bedroom it might help. What do you think?"

Wife:  “I love you so much!"

We don’t always find the right words. Conversations happen and we say what is on our mind, but just like we don’t always think through what we say (a common experience), we similarly, don’t always think through what we do.

When we don’t think through what we say, we are no better than our spouses who didn’t think through what they did. But this is OK, because like dogs, we all need a little training.

Question for your table: Does this story apply to other relationships, or only to a marriage?


Shabbat Shalom

PS - Visit the original post of this blog at getbliss.com.

PPS - Want to make your Table Talk rabbi happy? Like it, tweet it, or just forward it to someone who might enjoy it.

Love at First Sigh

PPS - We have uploaded a bunch of great Hannuka stuff (books, menorahs, candles, toys) to the bestjewishkidsbooks.com - if you use these links for your shopping, it helps support JSL's nonprofit mission.

Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky is one of the living sages of the Jewish People. He resides in the Land of Israel, near Tel Aviv.

The Rav has afternoon visiting hours. Each year he receives thousands of visitors. Both religious and secular come to seek his wisdom.

Recently, a man having trouble finding a shidduch (match) visited the Rav.

The teary-eyed man explained he cannot find a shidduch, asking Rav Kanievsky for a blessing.

The Rav gazed at the man, probed his details somewhat and reportedly responded, “Your soulmate hasn’t been born. Blessings and success."

End of interview.

Question for your table: Try to imagine yourself in this man's shoes. How would you have reacted?

The man left in tears, devastated by the holy rabbi's words.

Less than two months later, the man returned to Rav Kanievsky. This time he was smiling.

In fact he was grinning. He had good news.

"I am engaged!"

That would be great news to hear from anyone. But under these circumstances, the Rav's attendants were nonplussed. Who could forget what Rav Kanievsky had said?

The groom explained that his new fiancée is a convert, who completed her conversion only a month earlier.

According to Jewish tradition, a convert is regarded as a "newborn baby" (Talmud Yevamot 22a).

Shabbat Shalom


PS:

In Woman We Trust

When I returned from Israel last summer, my friend Raffi happened to be in New York, so we arranged to have breakfast.

Guided by google, we chose the Bagel Hole restaurant on Avenue J, in Brooklyn.

We immediately found out why they gave it that name.

Even though Google calls it a restaurant, they don't actually want you to eat there. There's only one tiny table!

But a great spot for a tête-a-tête (as long as there are no other customers)....

Indeed, as we were winding down, we noticed a couple attempting to join us in that tiny space.

We were visibly done, so they were probably annoyed that we were still sitting there.

"I'm so sorry," I apologized. "We're really leaving. It's just that I'm from Baltimore and my friend here is from Jerusalem and we haven't seen each other in three years."

I'm not sure why I had to reveal all those intimate details.

Did I think that  they would have any interest in that information? Did it occur to me that my story would somehow justify our hogging (pardon the expression) the counter.

Yet for some reason I said it nonetheless.

The woman just stared at me.

Stared.

You know what I mean? Think new-york-stare.

Then she blurted out, "You're from Baltimore? What's your name?"

To shorten a long story, it turns out that I had helped her via phone 5 years ago sort out some dating/marriage issues.

Friends and family had been pushing her to marry a guy she knew wasn't right for her, and I had encouraged her to ignore them and to find Mr. Right.

Now here she was with Mr. Right, the fruit of all that effort. We'd never met in person.

Question for your table: Random coincidence, right?

Shabbat Shalom


============ 

Today's Amazing Jewish Fact 

November 21, 2011

21 Cheshvan, 5772

Trust

"The trust God places in women is greater than the trust God places in men." 

Talmud Brachot 17a

Here is a class given this week by Rebbetzin Esther Baila Schwartz, on one of the greatest Jewish women ever. 

From the Amazing Jewish Fact-a-Day Calendar

Android version: http://tinyurl.com/amazingandroidcalendar
Iphone/ipod/ipad version: http://tinyurl.com/amazingcalendarlink

Every Dollar of It

In memory of my paternal grandparents, who passed away 9 and 8 years ago this week.

My grandfather, Lester Seinfeld, was born in Chicago and spoke only Yiddish the first four years of his life.

Yet, I cannot recall hearing a word of Yiddish from his mouth, other than "Why don't you get off your tuchus!"

He once told me that when he was younger, he intuitively knew what someone was about to say before they said it. He also once told me, "You can't argue with religion" and "Every family should have a (meaning a single) religion." When I started keeping kosher, he would chide me, "Haven't you ever heard of 'when in Rome'?"

To which I would retort, "Sure, and look what happened to them!"

And he would laugh.

He met his wife, my grandmother, on her sixteenth birthday. Based on that, I worked out that they knew each other for exactly seventy years and seventy days.

What was the secret to their epic marriage?

I never asked them, but I have vivid memories of how they treated each other.

They married during the worst of the Great Depression, and had very little money, but were always optimistic.
They always put each other first. They were constantly thinking of each other's needs. I never heard them speak badly about each other, but did hear them praise each other in many ways.
Especially my grandfather - he would always check with my grandmother before (for example) changing his routine.
They did things together (bridge and travel is what I remember).
They stayed out of each other's territory.
They made home movies and watched them from time to time.
They played a lot of bridge. I mean a lot. They even went to bridge tournaments to play and watch other people play.

After I left for college, my grandfather would occasionally send me a $100 bill with a note, "Don't mention this to your grandmother."

The day he died, a note was found that he had written, something of a farewell, which ended with "Zeigezunt" - that's Yiddish for "be well". Who knew?

She died 2 days before his first yahrzeit, and we buried her towards sunset on his yahrzeit, when it is said that the soul, having returned to the grave temporarily, departs again. She waited to go until he was available to escort her.

When you've found a soul-mate, and stuck together through thick and thin, not even in death do you part.

Shabbat Shalom

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. - Churchill


PS - one of my grandfather's favorite Johnny Carson sketches:



If you're too young to enjoy that one fully, you can wash it down with this:



(watching it will elucidate the title of this post, by the way)

You, G2

So here's a true story that happened this morning. Can you see yourself in one of these three roles?

A concerned father calls me up. He's frustrated because his son is in bed at his mother's apartment, apparently not feeling well. The father is concerned that the son is taking advantage of his mother and his parents' separation and feigning a malady in order to avoid school.

Plausible?

The father is further frustrated because the mother went to work and asked him (the father) to take the son to school when he wakes up and calls. What if he never calls? Maybe I should just go drag him out of bed and take him to school? But I don't want to offend my estranged wife by taking unilateral action...

He was concerned that:

a. She is nonchalant about the son missing school and therefore is too much a "jellyfish" parent on this issue.
b. She lets him stay up too late, thereby exacerbating the problem
c. The son can stay around her apartment all day playing on the computer, a much more attractive option than school.

So we get the wife on the phone, conference call. She starts off defensive: "I tried numerous times to phone you last night to discuss this, but you had your phone turned off. Do you know how frustrating that is?"

He explained, "I'm not accusing you of anything, or saying you did something wrong, I just want to know what I should do, should I wait around for him to call or get him up or just let him miss school?"

"Listen, I just tried to call him and he didn't answer, so I assume he's still sleeping. When he wakes up, if you're available to take him, fine, if not, I'll go and get him."

"I'm concerned that he's just going to play on the computer all day."

"He can't do that, because he doesn't have the password."

After she hangs up we debrief. The dad tells me he's skeptical that his clever son hasn't figured out the password. I raise a much more profound issue:

"Is this a new issue, her not being able to reach you? Or does it predate the separation?"

"It predates the separation by many years. I originally got a cell phone so that she could reach me. The problem is that I get busy and forget to turn it on."

Ah-ha. There's the rub. Rule #1 for a successful marriage: Your wife must be able to get a hold of you whenever she needs to. If she can't, she doesn't feel cared for.

"But I don't necessarily want to talk to her whenever she calls."

"OK, but then you are not going to be able to co-parent successfully, you will have a lifetime of mis-communications, not to mention she will always feel resentment."

So he hung up the phone and did what every good husband or wife should do when confronted with their own missteps. He phoned his wife and apologized, not just for last night, but for five years of being unreachable.

Your child, grandchild, niece and nephew, as well as your student, mentee, or protege, they are your legacy. It helps to know that there are three types of parents and teachers:

a. The brick wall - way too inflexible
b. The jellyfish - a pushover, no backbone
c. The backbone...

What kind of parents and teachers do/did you have?

Which kind of parent/teacher are you?

This lingo comes from the book, Kids Are Worth It! - a must read for anyone who has any contact with any kids of any age.

Brick wall, jellyfish and backbone parents tend to be brick-wall, jellyfish and backbone spouses, and vice-versa. Think about it.

Shabbat Shalom



"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." - Churchill

Change for a Change

Dedicated by a friend in California to Dora bat Yosef. May her memory be for a blessing.

OK, so there’s this guy, let’s call him Steve (not his real name). This is a true story.

Here’s the conversation Steve recently had with his wife, Debby.

Debby: “Hi Steve, how’s it going?”
Steve: “Hi, fine, how about you?”
Debby: “Not so great. I have this major deadline at work and I’m behind. Is there any chance you could take our daughter to her appointment?”

How do you think Steve should reply?

Before you answer, some background:

Steve has been very critical of his wife Debby. He feels that she could do a better job at being a wife and a mother.

Debby has been very critical of Steve. She feels that he could do a better job at being a husband and a father.

Steve is also very busy. In fact, he feels that he really can’t do it. But he’s also feeling a little ticked-off. Debby always is telling him how she wants to put family first, but she’s constantly pushing off the family for her work. Not only that, but she has told Steve that she wouldn’t respect him if he weren’t working full-time. Being a stay-at-home dad is not an option.

Question for you and your table – when Debby calls Steve to ask him to take the child to the appointment, how should he respond?

+ + + +

Here’s how Steve actually responded: “No, I can’t do it. I thought you said your family was your top priority.”

Here’s what he should have said: “Wow, you sound overwhelmed. I so wish I could help you! Unfortunately, there’s no way I can make it on time to that appointment. Do you want me to call and cancel it?”

Habits are really hard to break. Some smart Swedish people came up with a brilliant model for helping people do the hard work of changing a habit:


Shabbat Shalom

PS – Speaking of putting kids first, in case you missed last week’s announcement, the first set of j-wristbands have arrived! See http://jsli.org/Iguardmytongue.html

(They are intended to be used with the lesson on speaking nicely – lashon tov.)

“To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often listen.” - Churchill

If it isn't, should it be?

Dedicated to Yaakov ben Suzanne - may he get well soon.

Two stories that happened this week, both of them point to the same question.

I was back in San Francisco / Bay Area. What a great place.

While I was gone, our five-year-old Yoseph went to bed nicely every night in anticipation of receiving a reward from me today - a toy jet plane. There were not a lot of options in the Oakland toy store, so I hope he likes it.

Even though I told him on Monday that he'd get it Friday afternoon, this morning he was begging me for it and using just about every argument in the book to convince me.

He first started off trying to be discreet because he was within earshot of his 3-year-old sister Devorah.

"Abba, can I have the thing?"
"Yes, after school today."
"But I want it now!"
"Sorry, I said you would get it this afternoon."
"But I went to bed nicely for five nights!"
"But I want it now!"
"Can I at least just see it? I just want to see it!"

This was too much for Devorah. She got between Yoseph and me and looked up at me with her big brown eyes, "Can I have a thing too?"
"No, this is for Yoseph."
"But I went to bed nicely for five nights!"
I tried to ignore her.
"It's not fair..." (never heard that expression from her!) "I should get something too!"

Among my meetings in SF were two guys who are not content with being single.

Both of them are gentle, soft-spoken men over 40. Both are highly intelligent. Both are financially stable. Both are good looking and fun to be with. One of them is on the fast-track to getting married, the other isn't, and I'll tell you why I think so.

The one has made marriage a priority. He has had serious discussions with experienced match-makers on what steps he should take to fund his soul-mate. He has made the crucial "A" list and "B" list. But not only is he focused, he is open to feedback and able to adjust his thinking and strategy based on that feedback.

The other one has paid lip-service to marriage, and is open to finding the right woman, but has not pursued the goal with the same dedication and professionalism that he pursued his job. He has not, in my opinion, made the choices that he must make. He listens to feedback, but rarely acts on it, and ends up spinning his wheels with the feeling that life is a game of chance and not particularly fair.

So here's the question: Is life a game of chance and not particularly fair? Or is reasonable to expect ultimate, Hollywood-perfect justice? Are there any limits to the ethic of giving equal opportunity?



Shabbat Shalom.